But our feelings should be secondary at times like that. That’s why we often try to cheer our children up in their painful moments we’re trying to cheer ourselves up, too. It’s not easy for us to deliver empathic listening while our own distress is triggered by our children’s struggles. Advice, if needed at all, is best saved for later, when the emotional brain has settled and the logical brain can come to the fore (see Two Brains). He knows that while painful emotions are churning, she needs nothing more from him than empathic listening delivered with a tone of loving compassion. And he wisely refrains from trying to cheer her up or offer advice. He sets aside the sadness and compassion he feels as he hears her story, knowing it’s her emotions that need to be center stage. In Empathic Listening, dad becomes his daughter’s witness. It’s said that every wound needs a witness to heal fully. And when done effectively, empathic listening strengthens the parent-child bond. We don’t always understand or relate to our children’s emotions, but we can nevertheless validate those emotions by saying, “I understand how, from your perspective, you feel the way you do.” (Question or challenge their perspective at a later time, if it needs challenging at all.) This special kind of listening asks parents to set aside their own judgments and opinions for the sake of providing the healing support that comes from feeling seen and heard. Importantly, a parent does not have to agree with a child or see things in the same way in order to identify and acknowledge a child’s feelings through empathic listening. When I know my emotions are okay, I know that I’m okay (see Trusting Emotions). Having clarity about our emotions and trusting that they are okay is a critical foundation of self-esteem. When dad says, “I can understand that” about his daughter’s feelings, she knows that her feelings make sense. It also helps her develop clarity about precisely what she’s feeling, as emotions can often mystify us. By accurately labeling his daughter’s emotions, this father helps her build her emotion vocabulary, a central aspect of emotional intelligence. This leaves her feeling accurately seen and heard. It may seem at first glance that the father in this video isn’t offering his daughter much - he’s not helping lift her spirits with words of encouragement, nor offering advice for how she might cope with her distress. But his use of empathic listening, as explained below, provides a far more valuable benefit than any momentary “fix” he might deliver: he’s promoting his daughter’s self-esteem. Here’s how he does it: Name Their Emotionsĭad names and reflects back to his daughter her specific emotions of anger and disappointment. Center for Applied Psychological & Family Studies.Epstein Center for Psychotherapy Change.Emotional Availability & Responsiveness Lab.Master of Arts in Counseling: Online Learning.Why Choose a Master of Arts in Counseling.Master of Arts in Counseling: On-Campus Learning.Master of Science in Marriage & Family Therapy: Online Learning.Master of Science in Marriage & Family Therapy: On-Campus Learning.
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